Friday, October 31, 2014

Super Tofu Boy



H̷̟͇̘͇à̫p̣͍̤͞p͉̘̦̬̪̻̘̪̪͎ ̜͢H̘̠̤͖̳̠̳͞a̮l͈̥̮͙͡ͅl̪̠o̩͔̘͔͎̮w̘̼̩͚̺̳e͖̙͕̣e͙̼͕̳̟̣̠͡n̢̜̞͇̮̭̘͔!͖͔̜̗͚̫̹

You know it's indie because the background is all one color.
Super Meat Boy was an indie game developed by Edmund McMillen, whose other works include Gish and The Binding of Isaac. It involved a simple ‘damsel in distress’ story in which Meat Boy, a boy with no skin, had to save his girlfriend Bandage Girl from the evil Dr. Fetus. So plot-wise, it’s a weirder version of Super Mario. Gameplay-wise, it’s Hell, Michigan. This game is known for one thing and one thing only: it’s insane difficulty.




Another interesting thing about that game is the multiple playable characters. A lot of them actually come from other indie games. There’s Captain Viridian from VVVVVV, Spelunky from… Spelunky, and even the Kid from I Wanna Be the Guy.
Gladly.
And then there’s Tofu Boy. He’s slow, he can barely jump, and he’s useless. What game is he from? Well, according to the Super Meat Boy wiki, Tofu Boy has an inflated ego, and is not actually as effective as he thinks he is. You can probably figure it out now.
Very gradient. Much dull. 
What part of Super Meat Boy was advertising meat? I thought it was just a weird little indie game. Leave it to PETA to jump to conclusions based on one word in the title. What next? Are they going to go after Super Smash Bros. for having the Duck Hunt Dog?
I'd rather spend five nights at Freddy's.
You must be thinking, “PETA’s really grasping at straws this time,” but no. This isn’t PETA grasping at straws. This is PETA running out of straws to grasp at. They at least had a bit of a point with everything else they complained about. Pokémon technically features animal fighting. The fur and leather industry does kill animals just for their skin. Fast-food joints do tend to get meat from questionable places, and the same goes for some store-bought meat brands. Mario does kill turtles in self-defense, and players do tend to abuse Yoshi. But Meat Boy is just a boy with no skin. There is no hamburger symbolism. So, this game should not exist. And yet it does.

Now isn't that adorable. It would be better if it had a background. 

As always, the first problem with this game is its misrepresentation of fictional characters (a very serious issue). In Super Meat Boy, it was very clear that Meat Boy and Bandage Girl were close. That’s why Meat Boy went out of his way to save Bandage Girl. You can also tell by looking at this that PETA either didn’t get very far into the game, or they didn’t play it at all. This is because, spoiler alert…
My eyes hurt.
Near the end of Super Meat Boy, Bandage Girl has to save Meat Boy. Why does she do this? Why would she go through so much trouble to help this guy? Could it be because she genuinely cares about him? Nah, can't be. He’s made of meat, and that makes him evil! Yeah, think about that line of reasoning, and you’ll get exactly what’s wrong here.
Hey, this is kind of like that one webcomic nobody likes!
So, let’s see what PETA did to the characters. Apparently, Tofu Boy is sexy.
I want to, but my gun won't fit through the fourth wall. 
…Um… no. No he isn’t. Actually, I have a theory about this game. The deformed abomination that appeared in Super Meat Boy is the real Tofu Boy, and this game is just his delusion. He’s like Tim from Braid; he thinks he’s the hero, when in reality, he’s the villain. My apologies to the people who haven’t played Braid, I just spoiled it for you.
I should be used to these boring backgrounds by now.
So, this Bandage Girl has the hots for Tofu Boy, and even dumped Meat Boy for him. This Meat Boy is fat, ugly, he smells bad, and he’s totally jealous of Tofu Boy. This Dr. Fetus is… pretty much the same as the actual Dr. Fetus.
There is so much wrong with this picture...
So, the game begins with Tofu Boy’s dream. Bandage Girl leaves Meat Boy for him, and Meat Boy is like totally jealous, so he kidnaps her. In the real world, Tofu Boy showed up, started acting creepy, and Meat Boy left with Bandage Girl.
Defender of the defended! Voice for those who can speak! Unwanted champion!
Then, Tofu Boy declares that he will be the mighty hero who will save Bandage Girl.
I think we found Tofu Boy's father. 
This kind of reminds me of something…
Every other cruelty they cruelty is cruelty. This is cruelty, that is cruelty. Every single thing is cruelty. 
So, these are the levels we have to look forward to. I’m not going to do the Bandage Bonus, because I just want to get this game over with. I don’t have time to collect bandages.
Hey! Down in front! Can't see the background!
We begin with a content warning. Pretty uncharacteristic of PETA, usually they throw as much blood and gore at you as they want with no regard for anything other than their own personal agenda. 
Don't be daunted. Call upon me tenderly. 
Now we get HYPER-REALISTIC BLOOOOOOOD!!! So, Meat Boy and Bandage Girl decided to visit their favorite old-timey castle. Tofu Boy followed them there, but instead of a castle, he saw metal hooks and animal carcasses. So, now it’s like Song of Saya. This level is too easy to really be worth mention, it’s just there to tell you it’s there.
Nobody cares.
Tip: This has nothing to do with Super Meat Boy.
Woop-dee-doo, wall jumps. Get to the background.
Next, we are told about the wall jump. Because clearly anyone playing this is too stupid to figure it out on their own.
It's the same background. 
Meat Boy and Bandage Girl continue on through the castle. They trigger a few traps, to deter their stalker. Meat Boy considered calling the cops, but Bandage Girl had to remind him that the police don’t exist in their universe.
You know who found that interesting? Nobody. 
Tip: Stop trying to sell me stuff.
If I wanted to see this much meat, I'd watch Saw
Bandage Girl sets up the fire traps, and the falling floor. Only she, Meat Boy, and their friends are skilled enough to make it this far. She knows Tofu Boy is too pathetic to reach them, but she also knows that where there’s a will, there’s a way.
Yikes! The background didn't move with the foreground!
To her shock, Tofu Boy succeeds in climbing up to her. Meat Boy quickly escorts Bandage Girl out a nearby window, leaving both the castle and Tofu Boy far behind.
Say one useful thing. One. I dare you. 
Tip: You’re a bigoted asshole.
That McDonald's sign looks familiar. 
Tofu Boy follows his beloved to a McDonald’s. The interior is blood-soaked, buzz saws everywhere. A re-used asset from New Super Chick Sisters sits prominently in the background, hyper-realistic blood dripping from it in a steady stream. Tofu Boy knows that Meat Boy can’t run forever, especially not from his supreme awesomeness.
Seriously, Tofu Boy being Chris's son makes way too much sense. 
Somewhere, a PETA executive is making out with their own reflection.
You ever notice how nobody stops what they're doing to listen? We don't care. 
Tip: LOL@ Tofu Boy’s deluded self-righteousness.
This is just so senseless.
The McDonald’s has transformed into Hell itself. Now the walls are fitted with frickin’ laser beams, which fire at exactly the wrong moments. Tofu Boy starts to get tired, causing him to fail to jump when necessary. Thankfully, he has infinite lives, allowing him to press on indefinitely.
I've run out of Portal 2 quotes.  
Tip: That’s why we don’t make dresses out of raw, rotting animal flesh.
And now I can barely see the background. 
Meat Boy finishes his fries, while Bandage Girl goes off to the restroom. He keeps watch for her stalker, but Tofu Boy manages to sneak past him. He leaps into the ladies’ room, declaring to Bandage Girl that he has come to save her. Hearing the commotion, Meat Boy rushes to his girlfriend’s aid. They flee from Tofu Boy once more, while their stalker curses them under his breath.
Hey! You dissin' bacon? Don't you know bacon is serious business?
Tofu Boy follows Bandage Girl to an abandoned factory. But, instead of an empty factory, he sees severed pig heads, buzz saws and lasers everywhere. Everything in the factory was made specifically to kill him, and it will do so in the most unfair methods possible.
Hey look, it's a machine for pigs!
The factory comes alive once more after Bandage Girl turns on the power. The crushers and conveyor belts become active, threatening to crush any possible pursuers. Bandage Girl turns to Meat Boy, hoping to finally spend some quality time with him after their previous adventure. Then, out of nowhere, Tofu Boy leaps out at them, brandishing a knife. There is no sanity left in him, just a desire to destroy whatever stands in between him and Bandage Girl. Meat Boy tells Bandage Girl to run, while he holds off their attacker.
Oh my Cthulhu, they killed Meat Boy!
He is able to knock the knife from Tofu Boy’s hand, only to then be pushed into the factory mechanism. He is ground to a pulp, right before Bandage Girl’s eyes. Tofu Boy begins to approach Bandage Girl, a perverse look on his face. “You monster!” she screams at him, but he doesn’t seem to hear.
You bastard! You killed Meat Boy! You bastard!
Tofu Boy embraces his beloved, happy to have finally saved her from Meat Boy’s jealous rage. He kisses her, and asks her if she’ll marry him. Bandage Girl stares back at him, tears in her eyes. Tears of joy.
Oh good, more conflict. Meat Boy's still dead. 
Bandage Girl struggles to get out of Tofu Boy’s grasp. She cries for help, but there is no response. Then, out of nowhere, in comes… Dr. Fetus? He frees Bandage Girl from Tofu Boy’s grasp, and says, “Come with me if you want to live.” Knowing Dr. Fetus at least won’t harm her, Bandage Girl agrees. While escaping, she asks Dr. Fetus why he’s helping her, and more importantly, how he’s still alive. Dr. Fetus explains that he has access to multiple lives, just like Meat Boy and Bandage Girl, allowing him to resurrect himself. He then tells Bandage Girl that he normally wouldn’t help her, except now they face a common enemy.
Why are we cutting back to this?
Somewhere in the factory, a shape emerges from the mechanism, unharmed. The shape pulls out a phone, and dials a number…
This is only the first part. 
Tofu Boy quickly makes his way higher into the factory, in the hopes of rescuing his beloved. However, he runs into a bit of a snag. There are far more buzz saws and crumbling blocks than before. He finds himself dying over and over, trying to climb the same area.

video

In his franticness, Tofu Boy starts to lose control over which direction he goes. His body begins to go numb, and his head begins to ache. But he can’t stop. He must reach the top. He must save Bandage Girl. But, the longer he spends on this level, the more he realizes that he can’t. Eventually, Tofu Boy is just too exhausted to continue.




Commander Video finds Tofu Boy in this sorry state. Quietly, he and Pink Knight carry Tofu Boy away to the prison Steve built to contain him. Dr. Fetus and Bandage Girl come down, and are greeted by Meat Boy. Of course he survived, he respawns every time he dies. While he and Bandage Girl embrace, Dr. Fetus casually begins walking away, only to encounter the Headcrab.
Oh, you'll die eventually.
And so Tofu Boy sat in his cell. The cell was made of unbreakable bedrock, the windows made of barrier, and no door. He sat, and contemplated the events of that day. He had everything he needed, until two indie game characters and one former indie game character took it all away. Tofu Boy sat, and pondered. How is he to escape his cell? Can he escape this cell? There must be a way. After all, he’s the hero… right?
What a mistake this was. 
Final Score: 0/10

I’m not exaggerating when I say that this is the worst Flash game I’ve ever played. Well, maybe I am a little bit, but that’s beside the point. Super Meat Boy was difficult, but it was also fair. Every time you died, it was because you made a mistake. But with Super Tofu Boy, I never got that feeling. There were plenty of times when it was my own fault, but most of the time it was either because of unfair design, or because of the controls not responding. Yeah, you remember that montage of fail I included? Most of those deaths were because Tofu Boy wouldn’t jump when I told him to. And then there’s the game’s portrayal of the characters. This time, Meat Boy was the straw man. As I already stated earlier, Meat Boy is not supposed to be a hamburger. He is supposed to be a boy with no skin. There is literally no reason for this game to exist, and yet it does. The story of this game reads like Sonichu. It has all the same trappings – protagonist-centered morality, straw man villains, and completely self-righteous all the way through. 
What a perfect analogy.
All these PETA games sucked. Even the ones that were sort of okay sucked. After this month, I hope I never see another PETA game as long as I live!
I'm a tomato!
Also, PETA, I really shouldn't have to point this out to you, but... you're made of meat.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Super Chick Sisters 2: Electric Boogaloo



Give me the hamburger… or else.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
You all remember this guy, don’t you? Well, guess what! He’s baaaack!
It's worse than last time...
One day, PETA got tired of turning their terrible Creepypastas into terrible Flash games, and in a clever twist, they made a sequel to one of their terrible Flash games based on a terrible Creepypasta. That’s right, Super Chick Sisters made such a splash, that PETA decided to capitalize on its success with New Super Chick Sisters.
Boring blue background...
We begin with a language select, so PETA can be multilingual with their bias.
Cthulhu, guys! Get some imagination!
Also, there’s a story. Gee, Pam An is in trouble. It must be a propaganda game.
Backgrounds... Y U SO BORING?
Now there's an option to either start the normal game, or start the "kid-friendly" version. Hoo boy. …Let’s start with the “kid-friendly” version, it sounds less bloody. 
I swear... I'll die if I don't get some decent scenery!
Still going to go with Chickette. She’s the least evil, I think. Also, she has a mustache. She has a mustache. Um, don’t you think it’s a little early to turn your game into a Creepypasta, PETA?
This isn't what I had in mind!
So, Pam An is opening a boringly-named vegetarian restaurant for some dumb reason. Of course, throughout the game PETA claims that they’re attacking McDonald’s for treating their chickens poorly, but as you can see here, they’re actually treating the act of eating meat at all as the problem. Really, did you expect anything different?
What a step up, from bland vectors to bland vectors.
But what’s this? Why, it’s Ronald and the Hamburglar, watching from the bushes. Apparently, Ronald thinks Pam An is cheap enough to pass for a Happy Meal toy.
The window is giving an impressive performance. 
So, he does the logical thing, and has the Hamburglar kidnap her.
Why's there a black-suited Mario?
Then we cut to… ugh… Mario. And yes, they’ve made him even more of a straw man here than in the last game. Apparently, he was too busy with all of his non-platformer games (which I’m pretty sure take place in a separate universe from the main series) to have time to worry about Pam An.
What's a very Mario thing to put on the license plate? ...I know, mustaches!
But like any good hero, as soon as he hears that she’s been kidnapped, he goes off to try and save her. And PETA claims he’s the bad guy.
Why're the hills cracked? What's going on?
So, first level. It’s a generic Mario-esque thing, but this time with lame Creepypasta-ness thrown in, like cracked mountains, and blood randomly on a sign. That’s the one rule of PETA games, each one must contain blood, whether it makes sense or not.
Seriously, why are the hills cracked?
The NPCs are back, and they’re just as preachy as they were last time. I will give credit, at least this time they’re actually letting the chickens speak on the issue.
Cracks. Cracks everywhere. 
Welcome to Goomburger, home of the Goomburger! Can I take your order? Yes, the main enemies in this game are burgers. That don’t move. Or do anything other than have fangs. Once again, Mario kills his enemies in self-defense. The Goombas and Koopas are actively trying to kill him. But these things… are just sitting there, minding their own business. And you’re supposed to stomp on them. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.
The cloud slightly looks egg-shaped. Ish. Not really. 
Once again, you power up with tofu. At least, I assume it’s tofu. It acts more like growth formula. But that can’t be, PETA is against growth formula. It would be pretty hypocritical of them to put growth formula in their game as a power-up.
Yes, bland cloud background. Much amazing. 
Another thing returning from the last game is the green… jelly… blob… jumpy things. I’m just going to call them bounce pads. Just like in the last game, they launch you high into the air. Unlike the last game, it’s a bit easier to control where you end up after using one.
I'm getting pretty sick of cracks.
And of course, the flags. After every level, you have to touch the flagpole. Just touch it. Then the McDonald’s flag is replaced by a PETA one. There’s no need to aim for a certain height on the flagpole, anywhere is fine.
Why are those lines there? What is their purpose in life?
Cutting back to Mario, we find out that he’s a sore loser. Of course, it’d be nice if he were willing to help Chickette and the Evil One, and the canon Mario probably would in this situation, but then he wouldn’t be a straw man. Besides, he kills turtles and rides Yoshis. That automatically makes him the bad guy. Can’t fault that skewed logic.
What am I looking at here?
So, Mario goes to some kind of store, where we see Luigi selling a Wii accessory called the Wii Sit. It’s exactly what it sound like, it’s a special chair that allows you to sit while playing the Wii. I think that idea speaks for itself.
A plus-control pad on a rectangle? What?
Mario suddenly remembers that he’s a hero, and tells Luigi about Pam’s plight.
Why can't I understand you, lines?
So, Luigi drops what he’s doing, and goes to assist Mario without question.
Leaves. What a step up. 
The next level is a water level. No, it’s not as bad as that implies.
Oh, leaves and bland gradients. Such exciting. 
This stage is the first appearance of the red pipes. Why are they red? Because blood, that’s why.
The McCruelty logo sums the game up pretty well, I think. 
Now let’s meet the NPCs of this stage: the Sea Kittens. Those creatures. Basically, they’re PETA’s attempt to make fish look cute and cuddly, so people won’t want to eat them.
Fucking bubbles! ...Sorry, I couldn't resist. 
This is also the only level where you’re able to cosplay as a Sea Kitten. It’s more or less the Frog Suit from Mario 3.
Seaweed! What are you doing in the foreground? You belong in the background!
Adding to the manipulative…ness, at some point during the level, a baby Sea Kitten starts following you around. I don’t know why a baby Sea Kitten starts following you around. Maybe he’s just been baptized in PETA’s holy blood, and decided to follow the first PETA mascot he sees.
Now we've gone up from boring leaves, to boring, blurry leaves!
The next half of the stage is the best stage in the game.
Now there's nothing! NOTHING!!!
It’s mostly open water, with the occasional mini-island where you can collect chickens and stomp on burgers. There are also pipes that produce a stream of water, in an attempt to keep you from reaching certain areas. They fail at this, but hey, A for effort.
NOTHING BUT WATER I SAY!
What’s this? There’s more than one enemy type in the game? How can this be?


I call them the ChibiGobblins. They’re basically Fry Guys, minus the legs. Only the red and yellow ones appear in the game, but if you crack the .swf file open with a decompiler, you’ll find a green one. I guess it was cut because they couldn’t find a place to put it. Or, maybe it’s secretly in the game, and can only be found in a hidden area. Maybe it drops something awesome, like an extra life. No, five extra lives! Or, maybe it’s just a cut character hidden in the game’s data.
Ah, back to boring trees. At least it's something. 
Well, that level was alright I guess. On to the next one. I can’t wait, this is a massive improvement over the last game. I mean, it’s no Minecraft, but it’s not bad or any-
Dull pale mists and shapes... this game is gonna kill me...
-oh, right. I almost forgot. So, Mario decides to stop at… a Yoshi racing track. Which doesn’t exist in the Mario universe.
Aarrgh! Boring gray! They're trying to kill me!
Almost immediately, a bunch of activists start yelling at Mario, and spouting Wiki information about how Yoshis are treated in the races. I know what they’re trying to do here, but the way they’re going about it is just wrong. Guys, if you’ve got a problem with horse racing, make a game about horse racing. Leave the Yoshis out of it.
I... I can't... go on...
I really feel sorry for Mario here. He’s just trying to do his thing, rescue the princess, and here he is being treated like a criminal because he rides a Yoshi. Which, need I remind you, is an intelligent creature that can make its own decisions, and doesn’t need some egotistical activists to stand up for it. But of course, Mario human, humans bad.
........!!!
NOW we can move on to the next level, and I must say, it’s looking pretty good.
I'm alive! Thank you, burger with a ring around it!
There are these pads that reverse gravity. That’s actually a pretty neat mechanic, almost reminiscent of VVVVVV. Unfortunately, this is the only place where the gravity pads make an appearance. Hopefully we’ll see them again, in Super Chick Sisters 3: The Arby’s Strikes Back.
I've never felt so... ashamed to be alive. This background is actually kind of dull. 
So, like all the other levels, you beat this one by touching the flag at the end. Why even bring that up? Now… let’s see what Straw Man Mario is up to.
Leaves again? Was the graphic designer asleep?
Apparently, the reason he hasn’t been able to save Pam An is, and I’m not joking about this, he was just too busy. Yeah, I’m sure that’s a common problem for him. Giant turtle kidnapped Princess Peach? An evil toad terrorizing SubCon? A Shadow Mario vandalizing Isle Delfino? Ain’t nobody got time for dat!
This is so dull, I might die for really realzies...
Since they’re doing so poorly on this outing, Luigi suggests that they get help from someone… who can always find a princess. Uh, Luigi? Who do you mean by that?
If I die here, I might not come back...
It wasn’t enough for PETA to drag Mario and Luigi through the mud, now they have to do the same to their nemesis, Bowser Koopa. You know, the guy who kidnaps Princess Peach every other day. They guy with the army of killer turtles, beetles, and spiky blocks. The guy who tried to take over the galaxy twice. Yeah, he sounds totally trustworthy.
PLEASE THROW ME SOME SCENERY!
Even Bowser is aware of how insane this is.
PLEASE! ...I MIGHT NOT GET ANOTHER CHANCE!
But apparently, he can’t get through the Straw Plumbers’ thick skulls, because he’s not scary anymore.
Thank you... this will do nicely.
You.
Rrrr! Why'd you do that? This image doesn't have a background!
Fucking.
Ohh... this one is even better. Thank you.
Wish.
I'm not looking at the bland, boring background.
So, Bowser, against all logic, agrees to help. Why? Because… well, there’s no beating around the bush with this… he wants to get into Pamela’s pants. This game has officially gone full Creepypasta.
Don't ask me, my eyes are closed!
Now, let’s move on to some lighter surroundings. It’s another jungle level. Except this one’s actually good. Or at least playable.
Mt. Everest in a snowstorm!
This stage adds another enemy, the Mega Burgers. At least that’s what I call them. Like their smaller counterparts, they don’t move, but they do glare at you. It also takes three hits to kill them.
Gotham City at night!
The NPCs for this stage are veggie burgers. What makes them different from the other burgers? Well, they aren’t made of meat, and they don’t have fangs. Oh, and they talk. So, the burgers that sit around and bother no one are evil, whilst the burgers that preach at you about how horrible McDonald’s is are good. Soundly flawed reasoning.
A cactus in a tutu!
Also, the ropes are back from the last game. Brand name recognition.
Can I look now? ...Oh, Cthulhu that's boring!
So, touch the flag, and I guess we’re going to see PETA straw man Mario some more.
The castle is passable, though. 
Or not. Okay. I like this turn of events. Instead, we get Chickette and the Evil One wondering where Ronald would be keeping Pam An.
Hold me, Volume Button. Help me through the game.
After minutes and minutes of thinking, they conclude that she must be in his playland. This is turning into quite the McDonald’s commercial.
What is this? 
This stage is giving me serious déjà vu. But don’t worry, it isn’t as bad as last time.
Oh, it's grass. Much thrilling. 
This time, instead of everything being a death trap, most of the stage is made up of colorful tubes with windows.
Now it's a fence. 
This is also where the game goes full Veganazi, condemning meat consumption in general.
Now it's a generic moon. This is the dullest background ever. 
Also unlike last time, I can actually find the end! Let’s go through this magical pipe, and see what waits on the other side.
What is that, anyway? I think it's supposed to be clouds...
Well, there’s a small area up top where you can pick up some chicks and get an enlargement. …That didn't sound right.
Grass... many grass... I'm so bored I could die.
Once you go down, you’re greeted with the return of an old friend: Over-the-Top Crappypasta Ronald! This time, he comes at you with his Shackler vehicle. It floats, it’s covered in retractable spikes, and it even has a touch of HYPER-REALISTIC BLOOD!
Light... fading...
So, how do you defeat an over-the-top ridiculous clown? Why, by jumping on him, of course! Just wait for the lights on the Shackler to turn red, move out of the way, and he’ll come crashing down – that’s your chance to jump up and give him a kick to the cranium!
Give me something interesting to look at, please!
After that, all you have to do is touch this convenient flagpole, and a winner is you!
Rocks... aren't... interesting!
Oh yeah, I nearly forgot about these guys. So Mario laments the fact that he didn’t get to save Pam An. Dude, you’ve saved Princess Peach like a billion times already, you can handle not saving the day this once.
Rocks! The bane of my existence!
Bowser, meanwhile, laments the fact that he didn’t get to have any alone time with Barb Wire.
The floor is even more boring! It's just a gradient!
Then the phone laments the fact that nobody knows its name.
Now the whole background is a gradient!
No, it’s actually a new game announcement. It’s just another lame spin-off title.
This is the worst game I've ever stared at...
Bowser then says that what the people really want is… Luigi Paint? Wouldn’t that just be the exact same as Mario Paint, but with Luigi?
Um... you forgot to crop this one.
Then Luigi says that nobody wants more Mario games, calling them “shovelware”.
Sales figures? Really? Give me a background, dammit!
These sales figures beg to differ.
No! Not the castle! It was the only thing in this background!
So, with the day saved, our designated heroes and a swarm of hellspawn run off into the exploding star.
I will die...
And Pam An gives us a code that unlocks her character. Why would anyone want to play as her?
I am dying...
Oh, I should probably talk about the normal version of the game, since I’ve been playing the “kid-friendly game” this whole time. I did a speedrun of that version, and…
Dead...............
…it’s exactly the same as the “kid-friendly version”. Am I disappointed? Yeah, a little bit. I was expecting more senseless gore, more unnecessary violence, more hyper-realistic blood… but instead got the exact same thing I just played.
........................................................
Well, there is one difference. This one has a bonus video, that you get to watch load for thirty seconds after the second level.
..................................................................
Final Score: 7/10

This is surprisingly solid. I admit it, I kind of like this one. I’d hesitate to call it good, though. There’s zero challenge, the NPCs are still insufferable, and it still takes a huge dump all over Mario. But, if you ignore all that, you can actually get a decent experience out of this game. The new mechanics are fun to play around with, and the old ones are greatly improved over the previous entry.
................................very..........pain.........
Next week… this guy gets some well-undeserved time in the sun.