Saturday, October 18, 2014

Super Chick Sisters



All imperfections must be destroyed

I’m going to be honest. I hate today’s game. I really hate today’s game. Not only is it horribly put together, but it actively and mercilessly attacks one of gaming’s biggest icons. Today’s game is Super Chick Sisters.
Well, at least the background looks nice... ish.
Right off the bat, you know this is going to suck. “Kentucky Fried Cruelty”. Oh, how clever. You replaced “chicken” with “cruelty”. How very imaginative.
And hey, the Volume Button is here! 
So, Colonel Sanders is alive. And he kidnapped Pamela Anderson. Give me a reason to care.
Nothing but the color blue.
On to playable characters. We have Chickette, Pamela Anderson as an unlockable character, and… Nugget. Oh gods. …Let me explain.
Those eyes... I can feel them staring into my soul. 
Nugget was the main character of another PETA game, Pirates of the Carob Bean. In that game (which was really more of a visual novel), Nugget discovered that, shock of all shocks, chicken nuggets are made of chicken. So, he embarked on a quest to find the Golden Tofu, a brain-altering drug that would turn everyone in the world into vegetarians. Against their will. And yes, that includes predatory animals. So basically, Nugget is a vegetarian Nazi. Let’s not play as him.
Why should I worry? Why should I care?
We get a news broadcast, where Pamela Anderson is going to expose the horrible truth about KFC… that I’m pretty sure most people already knew. Then, Colonel Sanders comes out of nowhere and kidnaps her. A+ writing.
Ugh... lazy background...
Next, we cut to… Mario and Luigi. They will be the comic relief duo for the game. And they’re completely ineffectual.
So much 3D... so much AAA...
This is the same duo that saved the Mushroom Kingdom time and again from numerous different threats. Heck, they even saved an entire galaxy, twice!
The yellow square... is it a door, or a box?
And here, PETA makes them out to be the most pathetic asses. Mario and Luigi have become PETA’s own personal straw men. And it only gets worse from here.
I've been considering things that begin with the letter C. 
So yeah, this game is a Mario “parody”. Instead of coins, you collect chickens. Instead of mushrooms, you power up using tofu. Instead of being able to control your character, you slide around like you’re on ice.
Checkerboard. Clouds. Chicken. Colonel. Crystal. Conspiracy theorist. 
Oh yeah, there are NPCs in this game, too. They preach and preach about how horrible KFC is. Now don’t get me wrong, a lot of what they say is genuinely horrible. The problem is, KFC isn’t the one doing it. It’s the suppliers who farm the chickens. Now I could be wrong, I’m no expert on the subject, but I’m not sure KFC is entirely aware of how the suppliers treat their livestock. You have to cover all your bases.
Now that's just silly. 
It just wouldn’t be a PETA game without hyper-realistic blood! This is looking more and more like a bad Creepypasta.
How much did I have to drink last night?
After that stage, we see Mario being checked up on by… Dr. Mario? Mario is checking up on himself? How is that possible? Wait, there’s a reasonable explanation for this. Maybe Mario used one of those cherries from Super Mario 3D World. Except the Wii U didn’t exist when this game was released. Meaning Mario couldn’t have used the cherries. Which brings me back to my original question of, how is this possible?
The eyes, what's up with the eyes?
The next stage is inside a KFC. Yeah, go attack an individual restaurant filled with people trying to earn an honest living. Because, y’know, every single KFC employee is in on the big conspiracy.
We should call him Colonel Derpy.
This is where we start to see the real problems with the game. Sure, it doesn’t look so bad now. It’s just one death pit.
How'd the background get so boring?
There’s also impossible jumps. I know, you’re not supposed to get over there, but once again, this is where the problems start. It gets a lot worse later on.
I half expect Sonic.exe to show up and kill Chickette. 
Look at that menu. Who in their right mind would order any of this? If this really were KFC’s specials menu, I can guarantee they would go out of business. But this is a PETA game, you can’t have a two-sided argument in a PETA game. No, PETA has to make themselves look like Jesus by making their opponents look like Hitler. There’s no middle ground with them, it’s the classic “with us or against us” mentality.
What is that on the ground?
Let’s see what Mario is up to. Okay, apparently he’s mistaken Pamela Anderson for Princess Peach.



Um… yeah… these two look nothing alike.
Did someone spill their Ecto-Cooler?
Peach, understandably, doesn’t react well to finding out Mario thinks she looks the same as a 47-year-old woman.
Rocks. Thrilling. 
Oh gods, it’s the pipe level. The endless labyrinth of pipes and slime. It’s incredibly easy to get lost in here.
Nothing but boring old rocks. 
You warp all over the place. You never know just where you’ll end up next. You keep ending up in the same places over and over, trying to find an exit. There’s no escape!
So many rocks...
Also, this game can’t go one level without having something red. Because blood.
Are you sure these are the good guys?
I forgot to mention, all the enemies in this game are these spider things with Colonel Sanders’s face. What a creative design, I say sarcastically.
Enough with the rocks!
Another thing, after every level, you see Colonel Sanders putting together some sort of machine, which (spoiler alert) just turns out to be a knock-off of Bowser’s clown car.
Hey, this isn't too bad.
When we next see Mario, we find out that his buddy Yoshi has been brainwashed by PETA. This is probably the most insulting part of the game.
Too much AAA for my taste. 
Anyone who has ever played a Mario game knows that Yoshi is Mario’s faithful companion. He helps Mario because he wants to, not because he’s forced to. In fact, there is an entire series of games about Yoshi protecting Mario as an infant. That’s right, Yoshi has been there for Mario since he was a child. 
Hey, down in front! Wait, what's going on here?
But does any of that matter to PETA? No, of course not! Mario is a human, Yoshi is a non-human, so clearly that makes Yoshi a victim. Sure, there is plenty of video game cruelty potential when it comes to Yoshi in most games. But, most of that is ignored in canon. And another thing, Yoshi is an intelligent creature! Most of the animals in the Mario series are sentient! That’s why an animal rights group can’t work in the Mario universe the same way it does in real life! Moving on to another animal in the Mario series, notice the Koopa in the background. Let’s talk about the Koopas for a minute.
Why did you grab an image with no background?
The Koopas are a race of turtles that serve Bowser, the Koopa King. They are commonly used as foot soldiers. Meaning that they actively attack Mario. With intent to kill. And they do so under orders from Bowser. The fact that they are turtles does not make them innocent victims. When Mario stomps a Koopa, he is usually doing it in self-defense.
This is terrible! It's like Team Plasma, but ten times worse!
But wait, this is PETA! According to PETA, you’re not allowed to kill an animal in self-defense! It doesn’t matter that the Koopas are part of an organized army, they’re non-human, which automatically makes them the innocent victims of the evil humans. Fuck you, PETA.
The jungle looks nice though. 
Anyway, next level. You’re in a jungle. You use green blob things to jump higher than normal, but you have to approach them from the opposite direction to where you want to go. Otherwise, you will fall to your death, because this level is mostly bottomless pit. You also need to climb vines to get to places, because that adds a lot. I know I only have one image of this level, and no, I am not going to play through the game again to get more!
Oh, now you've done it!
After you beat this level, Colonel Sanders puts on a Bowser mask. Because shallow parody.
I'm scared.
The last level takes place somewhere in Michigan. Right off the bat, you’re greeted with a conveyor belt and a crusher. The rest of the level is a giant maze. Earlier, I said the pipe maze in the third level was bad. This is a hundred times worse.
Hold me, Volume Button. Help me through the game. 
There are so many chains, so many enemies, so many jumping slime things, and now there are fans that blow you around. Everything is a death trap. And, I can’t beat it. I keep losing my power-up, I keep dying, and I keep getting stuck in areas I can’t escape from without killing myself. This level is truly Hell.
That chicken is the devil in disguise.
Final Score: 1/10

I’ve already said all that needs to be said about this game. True, the ending might have been important, but let’s face it, we all know what’s going to happen. PETA’s Mary Sue duo will save Pamela Anderson, everyone in the world will be converted to veganism, and they will all live crapfully ever after. That’s how 99% of these games end. Other than that, the gameplay is like Super Mario if it were coded by monkeys. The level design is insane, with some areas being inescapable after an unavoidable mistake. And the Mario segments… Outer Gods, the Mario segments. Don’t play this game. Avoid it like the plague.

So, I have just reviewed Super Chick Sisters. And I’m doing a theme month. Which means, I’ll be reviewing another PETA game next week. You know where this is going.
Oh crap.
They made a sequel… Cthulhu have mercy.


Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Mama Kills Animals

Light fading... must have scenery...
You monster.
Kitchen tiles. Neat.
Yo’ mama’s fat. Yo’ mama’s ugly. Yo’ mama kills animals. Seriously, this game is like a bad joke.
Can you say "lazy backgrounds"?
Say, what’s that in the corner? “Urge Majesco to make a vegetarian recipe version of Cooking Mama!” Sure, why not? Well, I guess you could spend your time campaigning against actual animal cruelty, but come on? A children’s cooking game is just too important.
If this goes on, I'll die of sensory depravation. 
You mind if I prepare a Thanksgiving feast early? I’m sure no one will notice; after all, nobody cares about Thanksgiving anymore!
Same backgrounds... over and over...
Step one: pluck the turkey. Um, PETA, you are aware that most stores sell turkeys that have already been prepared, right? I seriously doubt anyone’s mom needs to pluck the turkey anymore. Unless they live on a farm.
Guess they wanted it out quick and simple...

Oops, did I say “farm”? I should have said “old-timey butcher shop”! I don’t know what place this is, but somebody should probably report it for health violations. I mean, does this place look the least bit sanitary? In the world of petty Internet arguments, I believe this is called a “straw man argument”. It’s where you use an exaggerated version of the opposing viewpoint to make your own viewpoint look good by comparison.
Can't they go one game without blood?
So what you do in this section is, well, pluck the bird. With your bare hands. Sure, why not? It’s not like you’re going to catch any diseases from the dead, bleeding bird corpse. So basically, all you do is click on the feathers, and they drop off. That’s it. Fantastic gameplay, amiright?
Don't look into its eyes... it'll steal your soul.
It’s almost as good as that Bratzillas pointing game. Quality game design!
I just noticed the volume button. Where've ya been, little buddy?
Step two: remove the internal organs. And put them in a mixing bowl. Why are we putting them in a mixing bowl? Are you saying we’re going to eat the organs, too? Because I’m not sure I want any bird intestine.
Um, don't you think we should be censoring this?
Now that is what I call a clean kill! It’s so clean, you can hardly tell it’s dead! Come on, has PETA seriously never seen how turkey is normally prepared in normal households? Look at this mess. It’s bleeding all over the counter. A couple of the feathers are still attached. It’s like PETA thinks meat-eaters have no concern over their own health whatsoever.
Eeewww... 
Yep, that’s not hazardous at all, sticking your bare hand inside of a bird carcass. What was I saying before about the straw man? Yeah, this is a straw man.
The volume button is still the best character.
And if you don’t remove all the organs, this lady says it’s “too nice”. Yeah, sure.
I like grass.
By that logic, this fox I found on Google Images must be a real asshole. I mean, just look at him. He killed that rabbit! Now that’s just wrong. How dare that carnivorous animal try to keep itself alive, while simultaneously reducing the rabbit population so the world isn’t completely overrun by rabbits! How evil!
Why is there a salt and pepper shaker?
So the bird is finished, and- hey, I give the final scores around here, pal. Also, it isn’t time for that yet. By the way, does that bird look finished to you? It’s still bleeding, a couple feathers are still attached, and it still has its head and feet. Yep, that definitely looks finished. Time to ship it off to KFC! (Really, those are the only people who would take it in this condition. More on that next week.)
Bland green screen. Why did it have to be bland green screen?
And now we get more PETA straw-manning. Now, I’m sure that what’s described here does happen, but let’s be real here, PETA likes to stretch the truth. I wouldn’t trust anything they have to say during these segments.
No! Don't do it! Don't push that button!
Oh boy, a video! I wonder that it is?
Don't look at it! If you do, you'll be assimilated!
…If anyone reading this is crazy enough to play this game, do yourself a favor. Don’t press that button. It just leads to more PETA soapboxing.
Much appetizing. 
Next, the stuffing. This should be fun. Hey, is that hair in the stuffing? You can tell PETA went out of their way to make this stuff look as unappealing as possible.
This background is soooo boring...
Crack the eggs. Okay, that doesn’t sound so bad. I mean, they aren’t fertilized, so they were never alive to begin with. How bad can it possibly be?
That timer is my new arch-nemesis. 
Um, did those eggs come from a nuclear testing facility? Because even fertilized eggs aren’t supposed to contain feathers!
At least the backgrounds keep changing... from one boring one to another...
Next, we mix up the stuffing. Let me guess, PETA is going to make this look worse than murder.
Well, finally. I thought they weren't going to have one this time. 
What’s this? Something normal in a PETA game? Quick, somebody look out the window and check for flying pigs! Call Michigan to see if Hell froze over!
I'm not sticking around for this. 
So now, finally, we get to stuff the bird. This should be fun.
(Background-Obsessed Caption is not here)
Eeewww… Y’know, I was under the impression you were at least supposed to clean the bird before stuffing it.
Three. That's three blood-stains on Mama's clothes.
Oh, and now we remove the head. After stuffing it. Because that’s the order you’re supposed to do that in. Right?
Those salt and pepper shakers are weirding me out.
So yeah, you saw off the head after you’ve stuffed it. And it still bleeds everywhere, because PETA will die if they don’t stretch the truth.
The text box is orange. The text is white. Yawn. 
Now it’s time to cook the turkey. Oh boy, this should be fun.
I think the timer is taunting me.
This is the weakest portion of the game. You hit the ‘on’ button (because that’s how ovens work), and turn it off when this little bar crosses the dotted line. And hey, it’s starting to look like an actual turkey dinner finally! But it still has a couple feathers left. And blood. And entrails. And feet. In fact, it looks nothing like an actual turkey dinner. It looks like it was drawn by a person who’d never seen a turkey dinner before in their life.
Excuse me while I vomit. 
Kids, the turkey is ready! Hope you don’t get food poisoning!
You gotta admit, the game's version of the final score is more thorough than yours.
Hey, what did I say about the final score? It’s still not time yet.
That's disturbing. The salt and pepper shakers keep staring at me!
Wow. That sounds horrible. I want to learn more. Is there anything I can do about this? Can I get a list of companies that treat their birds this way? Can I get something, anything, that will actually help fix the problem?
Begone, devils! Thou shalt not have my soul!
Okay then. I guess we’ll just ignore that, and instead enjoy a free wallpaper!
What masochist would use this wallpaper?
Yay, wallpaper!
I can barely see...
Yay, a propaganda video!
Yummy. I like feathers with my gravy. 
Now it’s time to make the giblet. With feathers apparently.
That pink hat is certainly in the frame.
Okay, so now we’re supposed to slice the neck. If you say so.
Oh gods... I think the timer is conspiring with the salt and pepper shaker. 
So yeah, just move your curser back and fourth.
I'm running out of things to say about this scenery.
And now we’re going to sauté the body parts. You don’t mean…
Bloody nice gradient you've got there. 
Yep, that’s exactly what they mean. All the internal organs. Heart, lungs, spleen, stomach, all those lovely chunks. I’ve never had giblet, so I don’t know if any of this is accurate or not. Do people really eat bird stomach?
The purple buttons look vaguely similar to pills. 

Okay, it’s gravy time. Let’s just get this over with.
Why not just use a strainer?
So, now we’re removing the random body parts. Including the foot that should still be attached to the bird… this thing doesn’t even follow its own logic.
The salt and pepper shaker... they want me dead, I just know it.
I do the final score. Not you. Go away.
I just got a text from the salt shaker... it knows where I live.
You mean all this time I’ve been eating turkey, I’ve actually been eating… turkey?
Volume button, help me! They're plotting to kill me!
Yeah, I’m not even going to bother with the bonuses this time. Something tells me it’s just going to be more of the same.
The salt and pepper shakers brainwashed her!
Suddenly, vegans! That’s right, now Mama only prepares vegan meals. All it took to convince her was…
video

…got a better explanation? I sure don’t.
I've finally escaped from the salt and pepper shaker!
I can’t help but notice they made the tofu look nicer than the turkey. Subtlety at its finest.
Run, volume button! Run before they get to you too!
And now that Mama’s a vegan, she’s good. Because all meat-eaters are evil. And I’ve had about as much as I can take of this game.

Final Score: 2/10

The game’s argument goes like this: Preparing turkey is messy and gross, so be a vegan instead. Because apparently, absolutely no vegan meals are messy or gross in any way. In the world of Internet arguments, I believe this is called “being a hypocrite”. Now, it is true that animal abuse does happen, especially with big corporations. The problem here is, PETA isn’t saying that animal abuse is the problem. They’re saying that eating meat is the problem. “But aren’t those the same thing?” I hear one of you say. No, they’re not, and here’s why. There are, in fact, ways to kill an animal humanely, without torturing it. PETA neglects to mention any of these methods, focusing solely on the abuse. I should also point out that the act of killing an animal for food is in fact required for nature to remain in balance. This is another thing PETA fails to mention. As for the actual gameplay side of things, there’s hardly any gameplay here. I’ve never played any of the actual Cooking Mama games, but I hope they aren’t anything like this. This is way too simplistic. In fact, you barely even do anything besides wave your curser around and hope something happens.
That salt shaker will haunt my nightmares...
I could use a break. Anyone up for some KFC?